My thoughts on this war

Vasiliy Angapov
3 min readJan 10


I’m writing this because I cannot keep silence about what is happening in Russia anymore. It’s not about some particular event but instead about the overall situation we’re in.

It’s really hard for me to write this text because I’m Russian. But I feel like I need to. My soul is crying for so long. I just need to let this go. I know there may be consequences but I don’t care.

Never ever in my entire life thought I’d say this but I’m so ashamed of being Russian. I have a very weird feeling about this. One half of me is really proud of being Russian. Like really really proud. Another half constantly keeps telling me that being a Russian means being responsible for all that hell that is happening to Ukraine. It’s like being a criminal.

And just for the record, I left Russia in April 2022.

I simply cannot describe all my feelings. What happened in the end of February 2022 is beyond my understanding. I can’t find ANY reasonable explanation to this. The amount of chaos, destruction and death we brought to Ukraine is just unimaginable. I’m so sad for poor Ukrainians, I’m so sad for innocent Russians that were unlucky to go there. Although I don’t feel sad for those who supports this war.

And who’s responsible? One man, you know him. It’s VP who’s responsible. Well, not only him, many people actually, but he’s chief in charge. You know what, before February 2022 I was mostly fine with VP. I thought like: “Yeah, he did a lot of bad things, but his reasons are at least understandable. His reasons at least make sense”. What happened next makes no sense, no explanation, no forgiveness. He brought nothing but hatred and suffering to two brotherly nations. He has to be judged for this.

For me there’s one tiny plus in all that surrounding hell. Mister P finally revealed his true face. He showed who he actually is. Not only to the world but, what’s more important, to his people.

Roughly one million Russians left the country. Why? Did they not have a place to live like Syrians? Did they not have a food and medicine? No, they had it all but they left. And, believe me or not, it’s not that easy to move to another country especially if you have children. There are many inconveniences with that. Many people are now struggling to find a place to live in a new less hospitable, more expensive world. But they are NOT willing to return back. It’s just unthinkable for them. Why?

Sometimes we want to be sincere with ourselves. Sometimes we deliberately refuse to be a part of what’s happening. We don’t want to identify ourselves with murder and terror regime. We don’t want to listen to all that dumb propaganda.

As for me Russia is stepping into the darker future. It’s not dark but definitely darker. Russia won’t fall, won’t break apart into pieces like many people think. The reason is that Russia is much bigger and much greater than VP. Russia is a strong country, still has strong economy, but this is becoming more like a military economy. Economy based not on knowledge, technology and progress but on “more tanks for the army, more suffering for the people” principle.

There’s a famous anecdote in Russia. Father went home and told to his son “You know what? Vodka has got more expensive”. Son asked: “Does it mean you will drink less?” Dad replied: “No, it means you will eat less”. Only in our case vodka means missiles.

I think there’s no victory in this war for Russia. In the end we will have to return the occupied territories and pay reparations. Who will pay? Ordinary people as usual. Like we always did.

And we’re all constantly paying the price for this war. My soul is crying for those who are suffering. May the God be with us.

I’m sorry if this text offended someone. But I had to let this go. Just had to.



Vasiliy Angapov